#27: Many Questions and an Answer

Yesterday was the third day I spent pre-interning in an elementary school about thirty minutes from the University of Florida. I think I’m about as emotionally invested in these kindergartners as someone who’d worked with them for years. In fact, I’m almost 100% sure they are some of the sweetest little souls I’ve ever met. 

They call me ma’am and give me countless compliments. They love to hold my hand and hug my knees... even while I’m walking. They care… asking questions at lunch like, “Ms. Amanda, will you have enough time after this to go home and cook up your own lunch before your school?” 

They share stories about their stuffed animal at home and their bunk beds. They get excited to show you the backwards ’S’ they just wrote on their papers. And we laugh together. They are remarkably curious and excited to learn. 

And then I learned more about their backgrounds from the teacher. The little boy who calls me ma’am has ADHD. His mother was a heroin addict while pregnant with him. The student who holds my hand every where doesn't really speak due to emotional trauma. The girl who worries about me having enough time to eat lunch lost her older brother due to the large-scale gun violence in the area.

The shelves in the school are broken and they hold tattered books. The carpet is dirty and the furniture’s old. There’s four computers that work in the media center and two or three jump ropes out during gym class. I become distressed while observing these things. 

I care about them a lot even though it’s been three days. So I worry about them not getting as much support or attention when I’m not around. And then I get really sad that they don't have the same resources and comfort I was blessed with growing up. And I think sometimes in life, the depth of hurting can be too much for people to endure, and it’s difficult to stay.

But the kids don't seem disappointed or sad. I may have to be conscious when I relate activities to their home life because they may not have a mom or dad present, but they are continuously smiling and willing to learn and listen. They always beg me to read them stories. And so I do. And in that moment, when I turn the page and look into their eyes, I see them light up. And I don’t worry about all these things. And, in that moment, I don't think they do either. 

I can’t solve all of their problems, nor can they solve mine. But in all those little moments together, a weight is lifted. Compassion is there. And so am I. And perhaps I just need to train myself to remain open to the sadness and fears I have…so I can simply be present and loving with them…so I can stay.

We see each other as very similar and equal human beings, with a simple shared desire to be loved, to be acknowledged, and to learn and grow. And though I have many concerns and worries and questions while I’m there with them, that’s one answer I do have for right now. 

I am currently in my third year at the University of Florida. I am studying Education and Sustainability Studies as I have a deep passion for both teaching children and for caring for the environment. I seek work, people, and environments that align with my core values of empathy, compassion, and conscientiousness. My biggest joy is when I can be of sincere help to someone or something that needs me. Whether that means putting in great efforts to go green, supporting the earth and its resources, or opening my ears to listen and arms to hug someone who needs support, I always find my motivation when I see betterment due in part by my actions.