#74: Looking Within the Shadows
I remember the day Amanda told us this story after our family had just finished dinner. She described everything in such depth and she was infuriated as she walked us through the details. And since she doesn't get upset like that very often, it was clear that she had stumbled upon a subject that she would be passionate about for years, and maybe even a lifetime.
- Danielle (the oldest sister!)
Amanda Posa amandaposaj@gmail.com
Looking Within the Shadows
I wouldn’t consider myself an angry or aggressive or confrontational person. I don’t think any one would. But it’s interesting to think that some of the best changes or accomplishments took place in my life only after the presence of extreme anger. And there’s one incident in my life that stands out most, where a boiling internal anger led me to one of the biggest changes I had wanted to make for years and years, and which inspired a domino effect for many more.
I took a biology animal science course my freshman year of college titled “The Meat We Eat.” For all of my life, I've been an avid animal-lover. Perhaps fanatic would be the better word. So for years, I wanted to become vegetarian. But I was also a carnivore. So I was constantly torn between the cute and the cuddly and the tender and the juicy. So I figured this college course would help me make a change as it’d surely talk about the evils of mass production. And the harsh treatment of the animals? Perhaps it’d touch on the negative effects the meat industry is having on the environment? That’ll all motivate me to make this life change.
Well, the class was the complete OPPOSITE of what I expected. My professor didn’t mention any of that. She was terribly unethical, ridiculously one-sided, and brought in “meat treats” for us to indulge in every Friday class. She gave me lower marks on my writing assignments because she disagreed with my input and views on expressing my concerns for humane treatment of animals, antibiotic use, hormones, factory conditions, etc.
So every class, 3x a week, I reluctantly stumbled in and let the cringing occur and the infuriation simmer through my veins. And it really only got worse.
But the best part of this experience took place at the end of the semester.
Optional assignment: attend a live cow or hog slaughter.
Oh boy. I had the opportunity to see some of the most (I think) adorable, docile creatures get.. murdered ? Hmm...
175 students in my class. Three showed up... with me being one.
I watched the process take place from start to finish... the slaughter house workers luring the frightened cows in from the field, to the mechanical bolt stunning, to the de-hiding and slicing, to the stocking away in a fridge. And with all the built up anger and frustration and the odor of gore and the disgust and fear that filled my soul at that moment AND from the very start of the semester, I became overwhelmed and my eyes began to water so I went to grab my backpack. And as I did that, I see one of the slaughterhouse workers happen to look my way and notice my discomfort. So he caught the others’ attention, and they pointed my way... and they laughed at me. They actually broke out in unreserved laughter.
Safe to say I was humiliated, freaked out, and above anything else.. angry as s*#%. So I frantically walked the entire way home in tears... of all days to forget my sunglasses..
And after that, after it all, I succeeded. My many experiences, my professor, my TA, the meat treats, the unfair grades, the humiliation, the anger at its very finest, led me to success. I never ate meat again. I became vegetarian and so then focused more on healthy eating. Next I began to do more research on environmental issues related to the meat industry, and then fell in love with environmental science as a whole... So I figured out one of my truest passions - environmental health and sustainability... all because of the burning anger I acknowledged. I let myself truly FEEL that typically negatively-perceived emotion. I have anger to thank, and I now like to always aim to be able to see things in a new light, even if they are found in some of the darkest areas of my being.
Next... how do I just get mad enough to quit eating ice-cream??? 🤔
Amanda's first-person bio:
I am currently in my third year at the University of Florida. I am studying Education and Sustainability Studies as I have a deep passion for both teaching children and for caring for the environment. I seek work, people, and environments that align with my core values of empathy, compassion, and conscientiousness. My biggest joy is when I can be of sincere help to someone or something that needs me. Whether that means putting in great efforts to go green, supporting the earth and its resources, or opening my ears to listen and arms to hug someone who needs support, I always find my motivation when I see betterment due in part by my actions.