#337: Pockets of Time
I appreciate Corey's introspection below and the realizations that come with it. It reminds me of something similar I've been grappling with - figuring out how to use the open spaces of time in my day to do something meaningful that I would normally put on the back burner simply because of the pressure to do other tasks first that make me feel I'm continuing to be as productive as possible. But by using those open spaces as an opportunity to instead listen to my intuition and to allow for improvisation as Corey mentions, I can likely do a better job on a future task because I've paused to check in on my thoughts, my current state of mind, and have more thoughtfully considered how best to direct my energy next. Thank you, Corey!
- Amanda
Pockets of Time
At the moment, I’m able to decide my schedule each day. Of course, there are a couple important nodes that MUST be attended to at certain times. But what I’ve become present to is something I had only dreamed about years before — distinct pockets of blank open time.
As soon as I started to realize this space existed, thoughts of should-be-doing filled my mind. Every role I hold for myself or others worked to make its obligations heard, arguing for its tasks to be attended to. And why not pick one and do it? And then another, and another? There was available time, and the thought of doing nothing filled me with fear.
Every day’s aim was to make each one more “perfect” than the last. My tasks and mental checklists slowly synced up perfectly with the clock and I got good at playing my own game. I could make up for lost time at certain places by overlapping or combining tasks, dividing my attention between two, sometimes three things at once. My focus was on how to move the tasks along faster, squeeze more into the day.
After some weeks in this way, I began to realize I was running a daily time trial against myself. I sure was “getting a lot done”, but the race and rush I imposed, energetically, were breaking down my relationships with my family, and affecting the quality of my doings. I also found it made me sad. At any completion, there always appeared another perceived should-be-doing, and not enough time in which to do it.
It took learning about an older loved one being in poor health to break the spell. The reminder of my own mortality gave me the space to separate from the tunnel vision of my “winning the day” mindset. What a relief to let go of the scoreboard of tasks completed per day, and the ticking of the stopwatch tracking my progress. After all, neither exists anywhere but in my own mind.
I don’t think my mind will ever run out of things to suggest I do. But for me, I’m re-learning that finding the right one for each day, in each moment, isn’t something that can be prescribed. Time can be designed to allow for improvisation within the structure. Time to breathe and reflect, and find the next right step organically. Sometimes the next right thing comes to mind. And sometimes it doesn’t. But if the pocket is too full, the seams will burst.