#166: Solutions, not Rules

I'm always taken aback by the way Brynne utilizes the artfulness of her words to challenge my own thought patterns and conceptions about the world and humanity. Her incredibly special and thought-provoking piece below reminds me to always dig towards the root of an issue in order to generate long term solutions ... there's usually MUCH more at the source of a problem than it seems initially... and perhaps sometimes it's best to totally replant the seeds to discover the true and freeing growth that can occur. 

Your insights and perspective on this topic are so wonderful - thank you for sharing, Brynne. 

- Amanda

Solutions, not Rules: A story of discovery from Restore NYC’s Safehome

Brynne Thompson

Of all of the issues that must come up when serving women from all over the world who have been trafficked, survived sexual violence, and ended up finding respite at an organization called Restore NYC in the New York City area, surely fighting over food in the refrigerator was the least of the counselors’ problems. Hoping to move past this distraction and pay attention to the real work of recovery that the women needed, they got to work at resolving the issue. They intended to make sure everyone was heard. They would work to understand the root issue. Then, they would make the necessary changes, and move on.

The counselors used their regular group meetings to discuss respect for one another’s space. They studied and provided multi-cultural perspectives to ensure these seven women from seven different corners of the world understood why taking others’ food was causing friction in the household. The Safehome is a carefully considered space, and trust and openness had been cultivated very intentionally. Bringing problems to the group in this way was a promising avenue for resolution.

But nothing changed.

On they went, and after some consideration, they chose a more practical but surefire tactic: labeling food with name labels.

But nothing changed.

Next step: post the list of rules on the refrigerator, an obvious reminder that everyone living under this roof is accountable to one another.

And, nothing changed.

The mood was shifting. Counselors found themselves policing the kitchen area. They wondered if small arguments were based on the disappearing tub of yogurt or a “real” reason. This was a group whose recovery was in part based on community, and the community had a nagging but incessant problem. It wasn’t going away.

There were two important ways this one issue ate away at the usual presence of safety and healing at the Safehome: the response to the problem became layering on authority and dominance in the form of rules, regulation, monitoring and enforcement. For women who have been trafficked, this was counter to the environment they needed for recovery. Having been through the dehumanizing experience of dominance, authority, monitoring, and enforcement at its most violent root, the team knew they needed to move quickly away from these tactics, tactics they had fallen into out of frustration. Moreover, it was depleting the power of the counselors to partner with and guide these women in their time of healing as they turned into rule-mongers when it came to the kitchen.

To think it through, the group worked together with then Director of Programs and now Executive Director of Restore, Amanda Eckhardt. The idea was to take a step back and see if they could take stock of the situation, perhaps employ different tactics, and hopefully, come up with an answer. Amanda is an academic and researcher at heart and works closely with Dr. Rebecca Macy, Professor at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill’s School of Social Work. They found gems of insight in a body of research around a similar population: victims of domestic violence. The research reiterated some of what they already knew, such as food is central to a sense of comfort for survivors of trauma, as well as a source of control.

These findings were aligned with their social work expertise, but the solution from domestic violence organizations was entirely practical and totally empowering: if possible, provide every woman her own mini-fridge to have in her room.

A solution.

A completely rule-less solution!

When Amanda tells this story, she adds on a layer of insight that I find the most powerful: at Restore they ran around looking to use tactics and rules to solve the problem. What they really needed was a solution that would require no rules and very little continued oversight. Ideally, it would empower each individual woman, and it would cultivate a sense of healthy control when she needed it.

Many of us know this through experience: rules and enforcement go hand in hand. If you want to lay down a rule, you need to become the enforcer or find someone else to do it. To make it more complex, we often mid-identify why rules are in our midst anyway: rules are usually with us because they are laws of nature, or because they provide a specific agreed-upon assurance, like a contract, or because they are intended to keep the status quo. Rules are meant to provide some clarity, but rules are not meant to solve multi-layered problems. Do you want traffic to stay on the right side of the road? Make a rule. Do you want to be paid? Sign an employment contract. Do you want to take an emotional challenge between team members in the workplace and pull out your rule book tell everyone to follow the rules? It’s unlikely to solve a thing.

If you set a rule, you have to live with the consequences of it, whether you are the ruled or the ruler.  Making rules sounds excellent to the kid in us that has waited for so long to be the rule-maker, but it's weighty, and oftentimes, an unworthy goal. It takes energy and constant oversight to be the ruler and only rarely results in real changes that propel a group toward a solution or a new strategic finding. We find these examples easily in our family lives: parents experience this when they take away screens and then realize they may have children encircling them looking for a new source of entertainment.  We find it at work when we make the meeting mandatory and have everyone report-out and hope it will provide the gel and the clear communication that will enable our team to be able to tackle our biggest challenges. We load up our teams with bureaucracy and tasks merely because we couldn’t sit with the problem and seek a more elegant solution.

Where else might we be setting rules when a solution would make the problem disappear, not become a new thing to manage? It may feel like it requires more patience and work at the onset, but it will free us from slipping into the role of the enforcer, misusing our authority and getting into a loop of rule upon rule upon rule, all while the problem keeps staring us in the face.