#300: Milestones
Today is an extra special blog as we have arrived at a milestone! The 300th piece! So with this theme in mind, I am sharing my words below about my personal journey and my next milestone.
- Amanda
Milestones
Today is a landmark for the CFC Writing Circle which started about five years ago.
I would like to express that with each passing year, I've felt it become a more prominent part of my life - It has truly brought me so much joy and inspiration reading others' writing pieces throughout the years. And it has also given me this creative platform to share my own words in an intimate and safe space where I can also commit to deeper reflection on the events that take place in my life, both big and small.
So as blog #300 approached, I started thinking more about what milestones mean in my life. And I too am coming up on one next month as I turn 25 on the first day of June. So right now as I sit outside on my porch holding a cup of coffee that brings warmth on this chilly spring morning, I reflect on my life at age 20 versus 25, and the growth and changes that awakened me the last five years.
I battled a great deal of anxiety and depression at age 20. I wasn't the friend, sister, girlfriend, daughter, or simply human being I wanted to be. I constantly felt stuck in a mind of degrading and critical thoughts, and I believed those thoughts were me. I had lost sight of who I was. And doing anything at all felt draining. I looked to my long-term boyfriend for validation at the time, distanced myself from good friends, and let grad school and internship work consume my brain. I woke up each day with messy hair, bags under my eyes, and felt anxiety pulse through my veins. When my head hit the pillow at night, my left arm would start to hurt and my heart would race as I thought about the clock ticking. I was forgetful due to sleep deprivation and therefore also had a difficult time staying present with others. The low energy levels didn't allow me to make time for any self-help work or personal growth/learning or pleasure-reading. I wasn't the best version of myself at the time to say the very least.
And I still am not. But thankfully, I am a much different person now. And I now realize and believe that each day's "work" can include growing a bit more into my higher self. And more importantly, I find excitement in that.
Now, as I am about to reach a quarter of a century, I feel happy that I am closer to the human I want to be. Gandhi once said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." And I'm starting to feel the inner peace that comes with getting closer to achieving that alignment.
I am sleeping better. I enjoy more quality time with my friends and say yes to outings more often. My self-esteem has improved and I feel happier in my own skin. The negative thoughts still come of course, but they are not nearly as self-deprecating. And they also go more easily.
I meditate or write in my gratitude journal when I am having trouble sleeping, rather than popping three melatonin pills. As of recently I am no longer in a relationship and don't look to a significant other to verify my self-worth. Instead I aim to feel that on my own through time alone with myself doing what I want to do. I am active and eat healthier and cook more. I don't rush around the kitchen making quick, convenient meals just to eat. I cook with whole foods, put on some music, and enjoy the process of cutting veggies and putting something nutritious together with gratitude and mindfulness.
I am more comfortable expressing myself to others. And I find that those around me also open up to me more.
I do more of what will bring good energy into my life like going for dog walks in the evening, listening to podcasts, heading to the library to pick up another book by my favorite author, or playing soccer. I go for runs or do yoga in the middle of the day, stretching my arms up to the sun and extending the time I spend in shavasana.
And though I still wake up very sleepy sometimes and with messy hair (I am still working on becoming a morning person), I am happy that I feel like I have a much better grasp on who I actually am and know I want to be as I reach this next milestone. And I'm glad my thoughts often sync up with my words and my actions.
I am also grateful to love what I do each week and to spend my days with people that inspire me to be more present and loving. And who remind me to spend money on and make time for what's most important in life.
And lastly, I am thrilled to be able to express all of the above authentically with each of you and share bits and pieces of myself through the Writing Circle. It is beyond rewarding to be a part of this community and to learn from every one of you in different ways. So today, a little bit more than yesterday but I bet not as much as the coming days, I feel fortunate for this community and the relationships and the joy it has brought to me since I was 20 and continues to bring as I near 25.
Thank you all.