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Here’s what hit me big lately.
Time for your Self matters. I separate “your Self” like that on purpose. Because it reminds me to think of Me. . .my true self. . . that version of me that feels strong and light and grounded and purposeful and powerful and. . . honestly, sometimes. . . just capable.
Because parenting, motherhood, and the early days post-birth with little ones has shaken me. There are days where I honestly feel like I just pretty much stink at everything.
Read MoreThree years ago, we did some work in the garden behind our house to address some drainage issues. This included moving a large, healthy green spire euonymus to an open corner to provide a bit of screening.
The gardener told us that the euonymus is a resilient plant and it would transplant well.
In the first year, it lost half of its leaves, and looked sickly all spring, summer and fall.
In the second year, it was shedding fewer leaves, but it still looked like it wasn’t going to make it.
And this spring, it’s turned the corner. It’s not as big as it used to be, but it’s clearly strong and healthy again, the leaves are a deep green and shiny, and the plant looks healthy. Here it is.
We often take “resilience” to mean that we will be unaffected by hard things, but that’s not how it works.
I attended a virtual conference a couple weeks ago. It was for work, so both my observer mind and participant mind were in attendance. As I was running down the list of sessions, figuring out which spoke to me, one leapt off the page. It was called “How Many Mondays?” I’m a big believer in trusting my gut when I feel big reactions like this (thanks theater and yoga training, and this awesome podcast with Rudy), so I made sure to put it on my calendar.
Read MoreI went for a walk on the beach early yesterday morning and it occurred to me that it was the day before the 5th anniversary of my dad’s passing.
And I started wondering what he was doing 5 years ago, the day before his death.
I wondered if there was any part of him, maybe an unconscious part of him... his soul, that knew that was his last day? I wondered if he was in a good mood that day? Was he noticeably happier or maybe more sad? Or was everything completely the same.
Did he have any unique thoughts or insights that day? Did he find anything strange or out of the ordinary? Were there any signs that death was near, that perhaps didn’t seem significant enough to voice?
I have to imagine that somehow our soul knows even when our mind does not.
Read MoreMy anti pet peeve: Looking at buildings and knowing that they can be carbon neutral … just with the right effort … seeing a city that is in tune with nature and not abusing nature. Or when a mosquito bites.. knowing that this is just part of nature… and not to be taken personal.:-)
- Matthias Hollwich
Read MoreI was lucky enough to escape to my favorite place in New England for a few weeks in March. I didn’t take time off from work, but I still treated it as a bit of a retreat. After a bit of a crazy winter in the city, I took time to do the things that fill my cup - like trail running, biking, and taking long long walks on the beach with my family and our dog - I also intentionally carved out some time to think about my future.
I’ve never been someone who could “picture” the future, like I feel like some people can. The pixels of what your life is like a year, 5 years, 10 years, 50 years down the road. My brain tends to work in concepts and feelings, not minute details and thinking many steps ahead. I hadn’t done an exercise like this since I graduated from college years ago now - I barely recognize the person I was then. It was time to revisit this exercise.
Read MoreLast week, I defied one of my self-portrait edicts of not letting disappointment linger. I was humbled by a two-dose disappointment case, disappointment in work and people. The definition of disappointment is “Sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.” Were my hopes so high that guaranteed disappointment? I poured my heart and soul into the work, so why it was not received as I expected? And why my friend who I trusted as an ally turned out to be an antagonist? Lingering questions!
Read MoreBack in grade school, I enjoyed learning and getting creative with the element of symbolism. I liked when my English teacher asked us to think more deeply about what was revealed in the actions of characters inside our books, or in their names, or in the colors in story settings. I now find myself often seeking the deeper, sometimes hidden meaning of things beyond books and inside my everyday life. I see the stars above representing peace and wonder, a tree bark tangled in vines illustrating resilience, a freshly-filled morning coffee mug embodying warmth, richness, and possibility for the day ahead.
Maybe I try to believe there may be an added element of beauty or magic in certain things even if it’s not immediately apparent. It may just take looking a bit closer at the way simple occurrences or even mundane objects present themselves. Because at times, a new revelation could bloom from them.
So this week’s symbol that portrayed itself was found in my plant (fun fact: it was a gift from Pip). When I received it in the mail, it was just a little seedling. But now after three years, lots of Florida sunshine, and a very long road trip, it has settled here in New York with me.
Read MoreYesterday was the first full day momming two that I felt went entirely smooth. It might have been the first time since Emma was born that I went to sleep without any guilt about the day. Since both had long naps at separate times, I got big chunks of one-on-one time with each and it felt so nice to connect with them uninterrupted. Ellie and I did yoga together for the first time in a really long time. We created a new art corner and used old cardboard to color and paint while listening to her favorite Bob Marley songs. Then she helped me make muffins and managed to steal “a couple” (a lot) of chocolate chips and I managed to not freak out about it. Emma and I got to stare at each other for a while and smile. We snuggled and relaxed - which felt so good to just enjoy without guilt. And my husband and I got to have a quiet lunch together!
Read MoreMy son, Teddy, has started reading; piecing together words sound by sound. It’s a remarkable experience to witness, and makes me burst with pride.
This morning, when I asked him to practice reading the words on a note card from his teacher, he was game. The first 5 times Teddy “read” the sentence, it said “Teddy did all his work.” (See the attached photo to see what was actually written.) Despite a couple minutes of coaching to practice actually reading, he wasn’t interested, and wouldn’t hear that it said something else (though of course the message is similar).
How many times in my life have I behaved this way? When have I listened to or read something juuuusssssst well enough to make some guess as to what the transmitter was working to get across, without truly listening? I know I did this while learning to play the cello in elementary school. It was a lot more work to pay attention and play what was actually written on the page than to play what I imagined the piece to be. I was skimming the page and reading only what I THOUGHT was written.
Read MoreI love this pic. My Dad took it in 2011... my backyard in El Salvador. He came to visit and we went for a walk to the falls with these little kiddos/my close friends & my chuchito (my wild doggie). I never thought my dad would visit me there - sleep on the floor, bucket bathe outside with cold water, use my outhouse, and carry a Spanish dictionary around. He was mad when I told him I was joining the peace corps after college. And he wasn’t ecstatic to learn I’d be living 27 months in one of the most dangerous countries in the world - - it also has some of the hardest working & kindest people, but that doesn’t come up in the News or Google.
Read MoreWhen this pandemic is over, I will start commuting back in to work.
My commute is a 10-minute walk to the train, a 40 minute train ride, and another 10 minute walk to the office. That adds up to one hour each way, twice a day, five days a week.
The question is: where will I find that time?
Read MoreHave you ever lost your keys?
If you’re like me, you walk around telling yourself, “They can’t be there,” (then you look anyway). “They should be here,” (though you’ve looked there four times).
At some point, you say to no one in particular, “I know they’ll be in the last place I look!”
Well duh! Of course they will. Once you find them, why would you keep looking?
So, I attend a TON of Zoom Meetings these days. Just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Anyway, last month, I was talking about creative brainstorming with a colleague of mine. We were talking about his team’s struggle with their creative brainstorming meetings. Since the meetings have moved to a virtual format, she said, it’s been increasingly hard to generate quality creative ideas. I could totally relate. Our feeling was that the limitations of virtual meetings and the lack of in-person chemistry seemed like a “new reality”.
Read MoreThese are the meditative words of Dr. Home Nugyen, founder of MindKind Institute, with whom I've been practicing and partnering this past year.
And what a year it’s been…but I don’t have to tell you that, do I?
Read MoreFor almost 9 years I was in love
In love with a way of life
That left me alone
Most nights
In my bed.
I never called myself wanderlust,
no.
There’s a complexity to the human experience that, for me, often seems overwhelming when I attempt to communicate it. So many feelings come up about so many things so frequently, that the prospect of expressing anything in words and speech sometimes seems paltry. Even now, the thesaurus doesn’t have an answer for the exact state I’m working to get across.
Read MoreI remember my college days (yikes, feels like forever ago...) being so excited for New Year's Eve - planning my outfits, talking to friends about how we'd celebrate, where we'd go, how big it would be. Now, I look forward to Year's Eve, shockingly, even more. But for a very different reason.
New Year's Eve has become the day I add a few pages to the story of my life. Each Dec 31st, I write a Year In Review, recapping some of the big moments and "themes" of each month. And each year, I find this ritual fascinating for two reasons:
Read MoreEllie’s been so involved in our prenatal appointments and especially loves the home visits. Here she climbed up on the couch and squished herself next to me and lifted up her shirt to check her belly too. I’ve been taking out some things for baby two and when she sees them she will now say “baby sisters”.
I think so much about the person I was before becoming a Mom... And while, yes, I know I’m still that person, the reality is I just simply don’t have the time or space to take action in the ways I used to. I also believe my brain has changed to prioritize the health and well-being of my family.
Read MoreWhen I was young, I idolized my Grandpop’s ability to speak with anyone, anywhere, about anything. His curiosity about the questions he had always seemed to win compared to the social worry of putting himself out there and connecting with a new human. It didn’t even seem to be a factor for him, which was quite remarkable to teenager-Corey. He’d speak with policemen, passers by, store clerks, and even engage telemarketers in diversions from their sales script. It was the gift of gab, his inner curiosity; and to me it was like magic.
Read MoreSomeone recently asked me what I learned about humans in the last year. Maybe my response wasn’t something I necessarily “learned,” but it was something I more so felt about people and our existence side by side one another.
I said how, despite us needing to stay physically apart the last eight months, and having to tighten up a mask and go out of our way to ensure we don’t cross paths with someone, ironically I’ve actually somehow felt a huge sense of togetherness. Not just in fighting this pandemic, but in getting through the little challenges and finding ways to help one another make life a bit brighter. Together.
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